The Wild West

Rules of Colorado , Wyoming , Montana , Utah , Idaho , and the rest of the Wild West are as follows: (This also applies to “true” Northern California… There are still five more hours north of the Bay Area to California… We are agricultural, down-home-cookin’, western folks; being overtaken by the city folks.  Blech!)
           1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
           2. Turn your cap right, your head ain’t crooked.
           3. Let’s get this straight: it’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
            4. They are cattle. That’s why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-80 & I-90 go east and west, I-25 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.
           5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have$250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
           6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
           7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin’ in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
           8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
           9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
           10. We open doors for women. That’s applied to all women, regardless of age.
           11. No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
           12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat . . IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!
           13. You bring ‘Coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
           14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
           15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards – it spooks the fish.
           16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
           A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won’t get it, but we’re friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!

About mudranch

I live in the country, I love to take photos, I'm a shepherdess, I adore my husband and daughter, I walk in the will of Christ.

Posted on November 4, 2008, in Me. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Not being much of a bird person, I think “that one” (heard that recently on TV)is a cactus wren in my country. Probably is a more scientific name for it somewhere. Belle Starr is doing absolutly great. Packing a five year old now around. She is the littlest star here and we love her. Wish you’d come and see her sometime you are in Arizona. Let me know first, she needs to go on a diet. She wears a 32-34 belt!!!!! Really you are welcome anytime. Lana

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